What do women with PMDD and their partners need, specifically those persons with children? This question will be broken down into two sections: Women with PMDD & Partners of Women with PMDD. The sections are not comprehensive but are meant to be starting points.
Women with PMDD
What do women with PMDD who have children need from their partners during periods when symptoms are active?
1) Understanding. Please don't hold me to the standards I meet when I am well, when I am ill. I may not be able to meet them, and will only feel guilty, ashamed, and frustrated when I can't.
2) Please remember that I am trying to control the symptoms. My best may be shit, but it is still my best. Please trust that this is the case. Imagine how horrible it might feel to be trying with your whole heart and feeling like a failure. The guilt is enormous.
3) Please know that my illness is often invisible. I may look well, but that doesn't mean I feel well.
4) Please work with me to treat this as an illness, like the flu, and not something that is a personal flaw, excuse for laziness, or something I can choose not to have.
5) Please ask questions and research PMDD in order to further understanding. This will go a long way in showing me you want to understand and support me.
6) Please know I am still trying to work through the process of accepting that I have a disability. This means I may ask for one thing but do another. Don't be afraid to speak with me about this. * See # 1 below.
7) It is very, very difficult to deal with typical parenting issues when I am irritable, feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or when my emotions are flipping back and forth between tearful and angry. Challenging moments from children feel five times worse than they may typically feel. I need a time out when these symptoms are present. I am probably not the best parent for the job during these times. Please work with me to figure out a plan for management. Please don't leave me alone to handle a situation. Please step in when it is obvious that I am struggling. In this way, we can provide the care we need and want our children to have.
Partners of Women with PMDD
What do partners of women with PMDD who are in a family with children need?
Just guessing -
1) Communication. My partner seems to appreciate it when I let him know how I'm feeling. If I don't communicate and operate under the assumption that he should either just know or that I'm not being that bad, it creates a negative atmosphere. Personally, I am not a good communicator. I hold myself to the same standards I hold myself to when I am well and I have not yet learned to treat this illness as I intellectually know it needs to be treated. My heart says try harder, it's all your fault, hide your struggle as much as possible.
2) Support. It has to suck to live with me when my symptoms are at their worst, and to parent in the midst of that can only be challenging, in my opinion. Question: What would that support look like?
3) What if a partner is having a bad day too? How do families manage when Mommy & Daddy are both having a hard day? How can partners of women with PMDD help to ease the load but care for themselves too?
Please feel free to comment/email in order to add to this list and facilitate thinking on this topic.
